jim-hill.com

Austar is the Australian Satellite TV service. They employ witless students in shopping centres to try and flog this service to an unsuspecting public. This is what would happen if they tried selling it to Burbage.

Austar Seller: Excuse me sir, but do you live near here?
Burbage: Yes, why?
AS: I’d like to know if you’re interested in upgrading your TV to Austar?
Burbage: Hmm… How much will you pay me?
AS: I’m sorry?
Burbage: Well, you want to place advertising in my home, exposing my carefully selected and influential householders and guests to companies that pay you money to advertise on your channels, correct?
AS: Yes, but you get all these television programmes.
Burbage: Oh, I see. I get television programmes in return for your advertisers’ access to my audience. All right then.
AS: Yes that’s it.
Burbage: For free?
AS: Yes no*. You get the basic package for 30$ and then you can add other packages.
Burbage: 30$ a year?
AS: No 30$ a month.
Burbage: Let me get this right. You want to fill my house with advertising and you want me to pay over 300$ a year for the privilege. Is this legal?
AS: Well you have to sign a contract.
Burbage: That’s what you think sonny.
AS: But you get all the sport and movies.
Burbage: Included in the 30$?
AS: Yes no well that actually would push the price up to about 100$.
Burbage: I can buy 10 DVDs for that. A month.
AS: Yes but you get the sport.
Burbage: What sport?
AS: Well, all the football from Europe!
Burbage: Why the **** do you think I emigrated?
AS: I’m sorry?
Burbage: It’s all right lad, not your fault.
AS: So, are you interested?
Burbage: You want to fill my house with advertising and badly made American Sitcoms?
AS: Er… Yes.
Burbage: And if I pay three times that amount you’ll throw in a lot of European football and the two or three good movies that actually come out in a year?
AS: ER… Yes.
Burbage: And you want me to pay for it?
AS: Er… yes, that’s how it works.
Burbage: Why don’t you come right out and say it?
AS: Say what?
Burbage: Well you obviously think I’m an idiot, why don’t you just say it and get it over with.
AS: But loads of people have Austar?
Burbage: Loads of people have herpes, doesn’t mean I have to have it, does it?
AS: No.
Burbage: Well that’s no argument then.
AS: So you don’t want it?
Burbage: Who said I didn’t want it?
AS: You did?
Burbage: Did I?
AS: Didn’t you?
Burbage: No.
AS: What did you say then?
Burbage: I said that Austar is a fine company and wouldn’t ever think of ripping anyone off ever.
AS: No you didn’t.
Burbage: No. I didn’t. Anyway, must dash, got to see a Nigerian about a money transfer. Best of luck.

*Australians have a habit of saying “yes no” if you ask them a difficult question.